So today Patrick and Eddie both called about getting together sometime and we've tenatively made plans to do a big lan party and then chill at Patrick's house untill youth group. So, as the title suggests, I feel like a total ass-face and big whiney douche.
It also sounds like the Cedar Point trip is going to happen, so if all goes to plan this summer should be pretty awesome despite an early onset of pessimism and melancholy. Speaking of which, everyone seems to have had a case of the doldrums after graduation. Really, those swanky caps and gowns should come with some sort of warning label about it.
I work again tomarrow (second day). The job's easy and it's relaxing to be outdoors. As per usual though I'm having to fight through my usual case of feeling like everything in the job is a test, but considering I'm hardly ever supervised and the customers have so far been quite friendly it should pass. The only negative thing so far has been that I obviously am not good with new people, and thus me+fellow staff members=awkward. Not a big deal considering my particular job is pretty isolated, but it's still a little weird.
Anyway, it's 11:30 and I'd rather be sleeping than posting to a blog no one reads and is largely fulfilling the role of a journal for my future use despite being lest suited to the role as I can't stumble across it someday in the future and conviniently remember the password and account name.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Graduation +11
Well, damn. I'm sick of this summer. I'm bored out of my mind and haven't really hung with any friends aside from Pat since graduation. So today I went to youth group, which is traditionally a hanging out-point with my friends. However, very few were actually there, and the few that were either left early or showed up late (mostly both), and it was boring as hell.
It's like after a couple weeks everything I built up in High School means jack shit, seriously, I can't believe how much time I wasted trying to hangout with more people just for this shit. If you can't tell I'm pretty pissed about the whole deal. I mean, I spent shitloads of my time hanging out with "the fellas" and has one of them even so much as called me since graduation? No. We had plans to chill on thursdays, have a LAN-party, and take a fricking road trip to cedar point and it's all gone to shit without me badgering everyone. I mean, I even asked patrick to call the guys to see if we could get together last thursday and told him to call me and let me know either way and surprise, he didn't.
So basically, I'm saying fuck loyalties to my old friends cause I apparently am not worth their time or effort.
It's like after a couple weeks everything I built up in High School means jack shit, seriously, I can't believe how much time I wasted trying to hangout with more people just for this shit. If you can't tell I'm pretty pissed about the whole deal. I mean, I spent shitloads of my time hanging out with "the fellas" and has one of them even so much as called me since graduation? No. We had plans to chill on thursdays, have a LAN-party, and take a fricking road trip to cedar point and it's all gone to shit without me badgering everyone. I mean, I even asked patrick to call the guys to see if we could get together last thursday and told him to call me and let me know either way and surprise, he didn't.
So basically, I'm saying fuck loyalties to my old friends cause I apparently am not worth their time or effort.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Graduation +5
Yup, I've been out of high school for five days now (slept though the first one though). I'm having some trouble adjusting, and to be honest, I've only been out of the house once. Not that I want to be here, I'm just short on things to do. Anyway, here's some of my reflection on high school and its being over (in no particular order or sequence).
I really genuinely thought I didn't have any real regrets about high school during the last semester, but they all kinda hit me Sunday night/Monday morning. Nothing specific like "I wish I had dated her" or "I should have played football" more of just a general "that didn't go how I wish it had at all" about most things. For example, I really wish I had "a thing." I don't feel like I'm known for anything from High School. A few people know me from cross country, or from being in a few of my classes, but there's no "oh, hey, that's Tyler, he's on the math team" or whatever. Maybe a bit in regards to racket-polo, but only by a few people and even then it's not really the same.
Also, I thought I'd get all nostalgic at project graduation or finally work up the courage to tell some people how I really feel about them and get all deep and whatnot. However, it totally didn't happen, in fact, it was pretty much the opposite. I got a serious case of the "I'm sick of this, screw it"s. It hit me that I'm not gonna see any of these people ever again. EVER. So why bother? They don't give a shit about me, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's largely mutual. I'm tired of trying to get in with groups, or keep the fellas together, and generally bust my ass to schedule stuff nobody else cares enough about to remember anyway.
This presents a new problem though, what the hell do I do for three months until college starts? Sit at home and run WoC, going in to town here and there for youth group and maybe the occasional game of bowling? And what about the fact that I've never really dated? That blows. There's no way I'm just gonna randomly meet a girl this summer and fall in love and stuff, especially considering I'd hang out with her for all of like 2 months before I move away to Kirksville.
That's an area I've spent a lot of time reflecting on, and I have no idea how I feel about it. I mean, I tried dating Sam, and it just didn't really work out (my fault entirely), but I'm still not so sure whether or not I'm into her. And Sarah, god, that's messed up. I mean, I've had a thing for her forever, and then all of a sudden I'm just like "screw it" and that's not me, I don't do that sort of thing! I don't know though, if that were going to happen, it would have clicked at least a little by now. Before I kind of had the whole "we don't ever hang out, so she hasn't had a chance to get to know me" but after Halloween and racket polo, it's just bluntly clear that's she's not interested in hanging out with me, which is cool. I don't want to force something, cause that's just be awkward and weird.
And then there's the guys. Don't get me wrong, I loved hanging out with the fellas, but it just seems like nobody else feels that way. Eddie's always hanging out with other people anymore, Patrick's always trying to get in with that group, leaving me hanging out to dry. Shawn bails on stuff all the time, even after I badger him to remember. And Ronald just plainly admits he doesn't care sometimes, and just says he doesn't want to hang out. I've just tried to organize too many times to hangout where only Patrick and I end up showing, and I'm sick of it.
So, in summary, it just feels like everything I did in high school, the dreams I had, the friends I made, all the effort I put in, is going to waste. Like the second I graduated, it fell apart. But you know, it's not so bad. I mean, it won't really matter after a few months anyway, and hopefully I've learned some valuable lessons or something like that anyway. Regardless, that's enough whinny ranting for tonight.
I really genuinely thought I didn't have any real regrets about high school during the last semester, but they all kinda hit me Sunday night/Monday morning. Nothing specific like "I wish I had dated her" or "I should have played football" more of just a general "that didn't go how I wish it had at all" about most things. For example, I really wish I had "a thing." I don't feel like I'm known for anything from High School. A few people know me from cross country, or from being in a few of my classes, but there's no "oh, hey, that's Tyler, he's on the math team" or whatever. Maybe a bit in regards to racket-polo, but only by a few people and even then it's not really the same.
Also, I thought I'd get all nostalgic at project graduation or finally work up the courage to tell some people how I really feel about them and get all deep and whatnot. However, it totally didn't happen, in fact, it was pretty much the opposite. I got a serious case of the "I'm sick of this, screw it"s. It hit me that I'm not gonna see any of these people ever again. EVER. So why bother? They don't give a shit about me, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's largely mutual. I'm tired of trying to get in with groups, or keep the fellas together, and generally bust my ass to schedule stuff nobody else cares enough about to remember anyway.
This presents a new problem though, what the hell do I do for three months until college starts? Sit at home and run WoC, going in to town here and there for youth group and maybe the occasional game of bowling? And what about the fact that I've never really dated? That blows. There's no way I'm just gonna randomly meet a girl this summer and fall in love and stuff, especially considering I'd hang out with her for all of like 2 months before I move away to Kirksville.
That's an area I've spent a lot of time reflecting on, and I have no idea how I feel about it. I mean, I tried dating Sam, and it just didn't really work out (my fault entirely), but I'm still not so sure whether or not I'm into her. And Sarah, god, that's messed up. I mean, I've had a thing for her forever, and then all of a sudden I'm just like "screw it" and that's not me, I don't do that sort of thing! I don't know though, if that were going to happen, it would have clicked at least a little by now. Before I kind of had the whole "we don't ever hang out, so she hasn't had a chance to get to know me" but after Halloween and racket polo, it's just bluntly clear that's she's not interested in hanging out with me, which is cool. I don't want to force something, cause that's just be awkward and weird.
And then there's the guys. Don't get me wrong, I loved hanging out with the fellas, but it just seems like nobody else feels that way. Eddie's always hanging out with other people anymore, Patrick's always trying to get in with that group, leaving me hanging out to dry. Shawn bails on stuff all the time, even after I badger him to remember. And Ronald just plainly admits he doesn't care sometimes, and just says he doesn't want to hang out. I've just tried to organize too many times to hangout where only Patrick and I end up showing, and I'm sick of it.
So, in summary, it just feels like everything I did in high school, the dreams I had, the friends I made, all the effort I put in, is going to waste. Like the second I graduated, it fell apart. But you know, it's not so bad. I mean, it won't really matter after a few months anyway, and hopefully I've learned some valuable lessons or something like that anyway. Regardless, that's enough whinny ranting for tonight.
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