Graduation +5

Yup, I've been out of high school for five days now (slept though the first one though). I'm having some trouble adjusting, and to be honest, I've only been out of the house once. Not that I want to be here, I'm just short on things to do. Anyway, here's some of my reflection on high school and its being over (in no particular order or sequence).

I really genuinely thought I didn't have any real regrets about high school during the last semester, but they all kinda hit me Sunday night/Monday morning. Nothing specific like "I wish I had dated her" or "I should have played football" more of just a general "that didn't go how I wish it had at all" about most things. For example, I really wish I had "a thing." I don't feel like I'm known for anything from High School. A few people know me from cross country, or from being in a few of my classes, but there's no "oh, hey, that's Tyler, he's on the math team" or whatever. Maybe a bit in regards to racket-polo, but only by a few people and even then it's not really the same.

Also, I thought I'd get all nostalgic at project graduation or finally work up the courage to tell some people how I really feel about them and get all deep and whatnot. However, it totally didn't happen, in fact, it was pretty much the opposite. I got a serious case of the "I'm sick of this, screw it"s. It hit me that I'm not gonna see any of these people ever again. EVER. So why bother? They don't give a shit about me, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's largely mutual. I'm tired of trying to get in with groups, or keep the fellas together, and generally bust my ass to schedule stuff nobody else cares enough about to remember anyway.

This presents a new problem though, what the hell do I do for three months until college starts? Sit at home and run WoC, going in to town here and there for youth group and maybe the occasional game of bowling? And what about the fact that I've never really dated? That blows. There's no way I'm just gonna randomly meet a girl this summer and fall in love and stuff, especially considering I'd hang out with her for all of like 2 months before I move away to Kirksville.

That's an area I've spent a lot of time reflecting on, and I have no idea how I feel about it. I mean, I tried dating Sam, and it just didn't really work out (my fault entirely), but I'm still not so sure whether or not I'm into her. And Sarah, god, that's messed up. I mean, I've had a thing for her forever, and then all of a sudden I'm just like "screw it" and that's not me, I don't do that sort of thing! I don't know though, if that were going to happen, it would have clicked at least a little by now. Before I kind of had the whole "we don't ever hang out, so she hasn't had a chance to get to know me" but after Halloween and racket polo, it's just bluntly clear that's she's not interested in hanging out with me, which is cool. I don't want to force something, cause that's just be awkward and weird.

And then there's the guys. Don't get me wrong, I loved hanging out with the fellas, but it just seems like nobody else feels that way. Eddie's always hanging out with other people anymore, Patrick's always trying to get in with that group, leaving me hanging out to dry. Shawn bails on stuff all the time, even after I badger him to remember. And Ronald just plainly admits he doesn't care sometimes, and just says he doesn't want to hang out. I've just tried to organize too many times to hangout where only Patrick and I end up showing, and I'm sick of it.

So, in summary, it just feels like everything I did in high school, the dreams I had, the friends I made, all the effort I put in, is going to waste. Like the second I graduated, it fell apart. But you know, it's not so bad. I mean, it won't really matter after a few months anyway, and hopefully I've learned some valuable lessons or something like that anyway. Regardless, that's enough whinny ranting for tonight.